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Band 5.5

In today's world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#world #people #money #appearance #happen #development
The public confronts a phenomenon in which looking younger than your actual age is considered a significant trend in modern society. In order to keep a young look, the community pay a lot of money for these kinds of services and products. The factors on it would be speculated as active promotion of the
beauty
 industry and rapid development of technology in
this
 sector.
According to
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my view, drawing greater attention to our appearance and spending much value is likely to demonstrate the detrimental aspects no matter how beneficial it is. Now, I will try my utmost to jot down the phenomenon below
for arriving
Change preposition
to arrive
show examples
 at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 conclusion in the end. First and foremost, the
beauty
 industry gives much attention to its promotion and advertisement in order to increase its demand in the market. In doing so, they cooperate strongly with celebrities or famous figures. The companies in the sector would earn more income if their partnered model
will be
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 in the eye of the public on account of people considering them as models or influencers. Having seen the status quo in Mongolia,
beauty
 products from Korea are still in high demand
due to
 the greater distribution of Korean drama since the year 2000. In turn, people, especially women's
beauty
 standards and norms have changed little by little, women like Korean figures are considered beautiful
due to
 the influence of Korean soap operas. To reach that
beauty
 standard, Mongolians who have different facial shapes spend so much money, time and effort, it will increase our living cost, but worthless. As far as another potential factor is proposed with the high development of editing programs, software and applications. An artificial and unrealistic appearance is disseminated to the public and it
also
 affects public preferences thanks to the usage of these programs. Case in point, a virtual model who has a perfect figure and outlook made by the computer has drawn public attention in
the latest
Correct word choice
recent
show examples
 years. These non-realistic figures lead to setting the
beauty
 norm in society and affect to community's behaviour. From my point of view, an artificial
beauty
 norm brings us more pressure and tension. In order to reach a high
beauty
 standard, people spend their time, effort and wealth unconsciously. Once and for all, I would leap to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 logical conclusion that the active promotion of the
beauty
 sector increases its demand in the market
while
 the high development of technology related to
beauty
 leads to setting the impractical
beauty
 standard in the community.
Therefore
, I strongly
consider
Verb problem
believe
show examples
 that spending too much money on our appearance has more and more adverse effects on society.
Submitted by Jargalmaa Ganzorig on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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