IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children today play violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What are your opinion of this.

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Children
Use synonyms
's age is supposed to be
one
Use synonyms
 of the purest
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 because of their less understanding
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the actual world and the innocence of truth. But, in recent years violence rate among
children
Use synonyms
 are increasing vigorously. Some people believe it is because of
the online
Change to a genitive case
the cruelty of the online game
the online game's cruelty
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 cruelty,
whereas
Linking Words
, others believe blaming
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
only
one
Use synonyms
 thing is not right.
However
Linking Words
, the
further
Linking Words
 passage will elaborate on both
perspective
Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
show examples
 and in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
last
Linking Words
 will conclude, including my conclusion. Technology is upgrading day by day and the new audience is joining
this
Linking Words
 with kinds of devices. The group, which is
attracting
Wrong verb form
attracted
show examples
 to it are
children
Use synonyms
 who are getting
addicated
Correct your spelling
addicted
 to it at the speed of light.
One
Use synonyms
 of the reasons can be video
games
Use synonyms
 which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
they are
finding
Wrong verb form
found
show examples
intresting
Correct your spelling
interesting
,especially that include guns or violence.
This
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 making affect their brain which
causing
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
headache
Add an article
a headache
show examples
 for the government. They are getting fond of the 'what we can say imaginary' and involving them in illegal activities and some serious crimes.
One
Use synonyms
 survey showed whatever the crime happening among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 more than fifty
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 are from big developed cities. People who agree with
this
Linking Words
, think is all because of violent
games
Use synonyms
 that any child can access , and to stop
this
Linking Words
 government and the gaming companies should take some major steps to stop avoid crimes
in
Change preposition
against
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, chuck of people argue that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 blaming only
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the online gaming industry is totally unfair and
new
Correct word choice
that new
show examples
 policies regarding guns and violent crimes are nurturing
Use synonyms
children'
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 to get
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 illegal happening.
This
Linking Words
side
Correct your spelling
site
show examples
,
furthermore
Linking Words
add
Change the verb form
adds
show examples
,
although
Linking Words
 technology can be a small part of pushing kids
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 activities but making it completely responsible is slightly illogical. In conclusion,
crime
Add an article
the crime
show examples
 rate among teenagers is indeed increasing, but I believe it's not just because of playing offensive
games
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
, the new gun-friendly policies that
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 passing in the
paralament
Correct your spelling
parliament
.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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