IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

some people say that parents should encourage their childern to take part in organised group activities in their free time .others say that it is important for childern to learn how to occupy THEmselves on their own. discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #childern #part #group #activities #time
Nowadays, the way
children
 occupy themselves in their free
time
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 become a popular topic among parents worldwide. Some are of the opinion that
children
 should partake in
group
activities
 in their spare
time
,
while
 others argue that it is important for youngsters to learn how to keep themselves busy on their own.
While
 it is important for
children
 to be able to occupy themselves; being part of organised
group
activities
 is far more beneficial to
children
.
This
 essay will discuss why
group
activities
 outweigh the benefits of
self occupation
Add a hyphen
self-occupation
show examples
 in
children
. For many parents, it is important that their
children
 are able to independently occupy themselves. When
children
 are allowed to freely explore their interests without the influence of other
children
, they become more self-aware of their skills and talents.
For example
, many
children
 who occupy themselves in their free
time
, spend most of their
time
 developing their talents
such
 as playing the
paino
Correct your spelling
piano
 or reading.
However
, the idea that
children
 will benefit more by occupying themselves is completely preposterous.
Children
, as all individuals, are social beings and benefit from interactions with others. They learn how to engage appropriately in various social settings, which will ultimately support the growth of their emotional intelligence and social skills. An only child,
for example
, is commonly known to be more spoiled than
children
 who have siblings. They have arguably
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 interactions with other
children
 their age. In
conslusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, there are benefits to letting
children
 freely explore their
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 and keeping themselves busy;
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 it does not outweigh the advantages of
group
activities
. The majority of
children
 require
group
 interactions to develop
Correct article usage
the neccesary
show examples
neccesary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 social skills
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 required as working adults
oneday
Correct your spelling
one day
.
Submitted by Karinvdw.depp on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: