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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the charts below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and in 2008.

the charts below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and in 2008.
#show #percentage #adults #activities #country
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The pie charts compare the proportion of
time
Use synonyms
 that working adults wasted in terms of seven activities in a country in the
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 1958 and 2008.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 people spent most of their
time
Use synonyms
 working in both 2 years, and relaxing at home witnessed the biggest gap in the period shown. In 1958,
while
Linking Words
 working and sleeping
time
Use synonyms
 are roughly the same, with 33% and 32% respectively, people spent 19% of their
time
Use synonyms
 hanging out with their friends or relatives. They consumed 8% of their
time
Use synonyms
 at home for relaxing, followed by only 6
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 for their hobbies
time
Use synonyms
, which
nearly
Add a missing verb
is nearly
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 triple that of travelling to work, with 2%. After
50-year
Correct article usage
a 50-year
show examples
 period,
while
Linking Words
 the percentage of working
time
Use synonyms
undergone
Wrong verb form
underwent
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 a climb to 44%, the opposite trend was true for sleeping, which fell to 25%. People in 2008
prefered
Correct your spelling
preferred
 staying at home, which reached
to
Change preposition
apply
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13% and
doubling
Wrong verb form
doubled
show examples
 the figure for going out and other activities
time
Use synonyms
, at only 6% for both. There was a rise to 8% in the proportion of travelling to work
time
Use synonyms
, which
much
Add a missing verb
is much
show examples
 higher than in 1958.
Submitted by bobong120906 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • technological advancements
  • leisure activities
  • household chores
  • gender roles
  • modern lifestyle
  • fast food trends
  • sleep patterns
  • health and well-being
  • societal impact
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