IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some believe that showing people happy pictures (pictures in which outstanding achievements are made in helping the poor) is more effective in encouraging them to take action to solve poverty than sad pictures ( that show how hard life can be for the poor). Do you agree or disagree? Why?

Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that illustrating
pictures
Use synonyms
 which happiness to achievements in helping
people
Use synonyms
 who suffer can persuade them to do more for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
difficult solutions
instead
Linking Words
 of sad
pictures
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. Happy
pictures
Use synonyms
 can change
people
Use synonyms
's attitudes, particularly in developing countries. Many years ago, in developing countries,
such
Linking Words
 as Thailand, a lot of poor
people
Use synonyms
suffer
Wrong verb form
suffered
show examples
 from food
and
Check wording
insecurity and
show examples
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
 not have homes. Several
people
Use synonyms
 try to provide them with some food,
cloth
Use the right word
clothes
show examples
, and employment.
However
Linking Words
, they find it difficult to get good jobs because poor
people
Use synonyms
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not educate.
As a result
Linking Words
, many companies do not accept them to be their employees. Nowadays, the world has developed technology.
People
Use synonyms
 can access news and other information
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
 than in the past. Many helpful
pictures
Use synonyms
 are posted on social channels,
such
Linking Words
 as Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. These
pictures
Use synonyms
 persuade
people
Use synonyms
 to donate a lot of money
for helping
Change preposition
to help
show examples
 poor
people
Use synonyms
. The money they donate can provide poor
people
Use synonyms
 with food,
cloth
Use the right word
clothes
show examples
,
also
Linking Words
 education.
Moreover
Linking Words
, sometimes poor
people
Use synonyms
 receive help from governments.
For example
Linking Words
, in my country, Thailand,
people
Use synonyms
 always share
pictures
Use synonyms
 of homeless
people
Use synonyms
 and poor
people
Use synonyms
 on social networks. As soon as the government see these
pictures
Use synonyms
, they will try to help homeless
people
Use synonyms
 by providing jobs for them.
Also
Linking Words
, the government provides scholarships for
people
Use synonyms
 who can get high grades in school and university. In conclusion, the happy
pictures
Use synonyms
 that show helping some poor
people
Use synonyms
 are extremely crucial because they can persuade
people
Use synonyms
 to help poor
people
Use synonyms
 and provide a lot of opportunities for them.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make your introduction clearer by stating your opinion directly. For example, "I agree that happy pictures are more effective."
coherence and cohesion
In your paragraphs, ensure each main point has a clear topic sentence. This helps keep your ideas organized.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your points, especially about how happy pictures have led to positive action.
task achievement
You have included some relevant examples from Thailand, which makes your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main idea well.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: