IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Many people play video games as a main way to entertain. Do the advantages of playing video games outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #video #games
In modern days most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
love to spend their
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
 in
video
Add an article
a video
the video
show examples
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainment.
This
 essay will examine the benefits and drawbacks of playing
video
 games . The main advantage of spending time on
video
 games
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
people
 can have their freedom
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
game
 and they are safe and
secured
Wrong verb form
secure
show examples
 from
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
some accidents.
Firstly
, when
people
 play
video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 at home, they are
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 so they can do whatever they want . They don't need to play as a team and they don't need to follow the others
people
's opinions.
Secondly
,
this
 kind of
game
 they play inside the house and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is more safe and
secure
Correct quantifier usage
more secure
show examples
 from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
accident that usually happens at
outdoor
Add an article
the outdoor
an outdoor
show examples
game
.
However
, there are some major disadvantages
such
 as being addicted and visual problems in future. When
people
 spend their time on electronic devices and play
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
game
 they become
Add an article
an addict
show examples
addict
Wrong verb form
addicted
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it and might have
serious
Add an article
a serious
show examples
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 with
it's
Replace the word
its
show examples
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
. And
also
 because of
high
Add an article
a high
the high
show examples
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
 of continuous playing
infrom
Correct your spelling
in front
 of the device screen , the person can have eye problems in the coming future. In conclusion, playing
video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 can give
people
 freedom of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time but it might harm
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their health. I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 benefits of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
plying
Correct your spelling
playing
show examples
video
game
 as
entertain
Change the verb form
entertaining
show examples
 outweigh
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
.
Submitted by iswor.bisural on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: