IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Question : some young people are leaving the country side to live in cities and town, leaving only old people in countryside. What problem does this cause? What can be done to solve this problem?

#people #country #side #cities #town #countryside
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Young
people
Use synonyms
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a tendency to settle down in the urban
areas
Use synonyms
 but leave only the elderly to stay in the rural sectors. The
development
Use synonyms
 of the
country
Use synonyms
 might be affected since the population
density
Use synonyms
 unbalances. The
government
Use synonyms
 should distribute entertainment services and have a campaign to push firms to construct headquarters in more
areas
Use synonyms
. Knowing that the city centre brings
people
Use synonyms
 convenience since most relaxation activities or
people
Use synonyms
's workplace are all focused on there,
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 choose to leave the countryside.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can lead to
Correct article usage
an unbalance
show examples
unbalance
Replace the word
unbalanced
show examples
 population, the young
people
Use synonyms
's
density
Use synonyms
 and old
people
Use synonyms
's
density
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 having majority gap and the
country
Use synonyms
 itself can not uniform
development
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Hanoi,
although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 city is the capital of Vietnam because the citizen
density
Use synonyms
 is not balanced, only several districts are economically stable and attracting tourism. Vietnam is still staying at a developing
country
Use synonyms
 and
having
Wrong verb form
has had
show examples
low
Correct article usage
a low
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 GDP since
then
Linking Words
. For that reason,
distribute
Wrong verb form
distributed
show examples
 population
density
Use synonyms
 plays a vital role in
development
Use synonyms
 and integration. To prevent
this
Linking Words
 obstacle, the
government
Use synonyms
 should set up more entertainment and convenient services
such
Linking Words
 as modern hospitals, and varieties kind of shopping malls in rural
areas
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, to contribute to the uniform economy and attract young citizens to choose to stay in the countryside, the
government
Use synonyms
 should push more companies to build headquarters in rural
areas
Use synonyms
. For that reason, young
people
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 can experience life in rural
areas
Use synonyms
 as same as when they live in the city without
travel
Wrong verb form
travelling
show examples
 far away from their jobs. In conclusion, young
people
Use synonyms
 only staying in the urban sectors can lead to stagnation
country
Use synonyms
's
development
Use synonyms
. The
government
Use synonyms
 should consider
this
Linking Words
 obstacle more seriously and provide services and firms in rural
areas
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by cynthiaquynhphan on

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Task Achievement
Your essay addresses some key points and gives relevant examples, but it could be more specific in addressing the problems caused by young people leaving the countryside. Ensure that all aspects of the question are fully addressed in your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
You provide a well-structured introduction and conclusion, and your essay is generally well-organized. However, some parts could be more logically linked to improve coherence and cohesion.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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