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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
The provided chart reveals information about
regular
Add an article
the regular
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 physical activity of women and men in Australia in 2010 and recorded from various
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Add an article
the female
a female
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female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 had a higher percentage of regular exercise compared to
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 in all
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 except
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
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 15 to 24. It can be seen that men in the youngest group did exercise most often than others (52,8%). It was
then
Linking Words
 followed by the three
groups
Use synonyms
 of
age
Use synonyms
 25 to 65 and over at 40%.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
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for
Change preposition
apply
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the lowest percentage
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing physical activity was reached by people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 35 to 44 which was lower than 40%.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, for women, the top three
groups
Use synonyms
 that dominated the number were people
age
Use synonyms
 35 to 64 (more than 50%).
While
Linking Words
 for the other
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
, the percentage of regular exercise of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 was lower than 50%.
To conclude
Linking Words
, men in
youngest
Correct article usage
the youngest
show examples
 group dominated the total time spent
for
Change preposition
apply
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doing physical activity in regular time. It was
contrast
Change preposition
in contrast
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 with the other patterns which were dominated by women.

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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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