The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The provided chart reveals information about
regular
Add an article
the regular
show examples
physical activity of women and men in Australia in 2010 and recorded from various
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Add an article
the female
a female
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
had a higher percentage of regular exercise compared to
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
in all
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
except
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
15 to 24. It can be seen that men in the youngest group did exercise most often than others (52,8%). It was
then
Linking Words
followed by the three
groups
Use synonyms
of
age
Use synonyms
25 to 65 and over at 40%.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the lowest percentage
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing physical activity was reached by people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
age
Use synonyms
35 to 44 which was lower than 40%.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, for women, the top three
groups
Use synonyms
that dominated the number were people
age
Use synonyms
35 to 64 (more than 50%).
While
Linking Words
for the other
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
, the percentage of regular exercise of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
was lower than 50%.
To conclude
Linking Words
, men in
youngest
Correct article usage
the youngest
show examples
group dominated the total time spent
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing physical activity in regular time. It was
contrast
Change preposition
in contrast
show examples
with the other patterns which were dominated by women.
Submitted by yuliasintiaputri100 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: