Some people believe that social media sites, such as Facebook or Twitter, have a negative impact on young people and their ability to form personal relationships. Others believe that these sites bring people together in a beneficial way.

A variety of social
media
is developing faster and faster. Before decades ago,
people
cannot
Wrong verb form
could not
show examples
imagine that Facebook, Instagram or Twitter
are
Wrong verb form
were
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becoming important things in life. Some
people
believe that social
media
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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disadvantages for young
people
.
On the other hand
, some
people
think social
media
is a tool which benefits connecting with each other. In my point of view, it certainly is a useful way to build relationships but it has a demerit on our society. The young generation constantly chats with classmates, friends and family via social
media
. There is an invisible Internet community
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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built by them. They create various types of activity online
while
social
media
is a convenient way to talk to each
.
Correct word choice
other.
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In other words
, it can minimize the problem of communication.
For example
,
people
can use Zoom, an app designed for the purpose of the meeting, regardless of where you are and what time it is.
However
,
people
spend more time than expected on social
media
. Without guidance from parents and teachers, children are easy to be mean to each other.
Bully
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Bullying
show examples
is happening every day in school, playgrounds and even on the Internet.
Furthermore
, a face-to-face connection is essential for all of us. Without intimacy, in reality,
people
might get used to it when
people
give you a cold shoulder. Intimacy can be replaced by technology. Take me as an example, when I was a kid, I
am
Wrong verb form
was
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eager to have friends, but most of them see smartphones as friends. It broke my heart. In conclusion, social
media
has its advantages,
such
as
people
can
easy to
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easily
show examples
talk to others online no matter where and when. But I still believe that it is harmful to young
people
since strong
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
build on reality.
Submitted by blair.chang975640 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents your opinion and outlines the main points you will discuss in the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear progression of ideas, and the connection between sentences and paragraphs could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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