IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Today a lot of different cultures and ethnic groups live together in the country. Do you think it is a positive or negative development ?

#cultures #groups #country #development
Nowadays, numerous people from different backgrounds like cultures and
ethnics
Replace the word
ethnicities
show examples
 live in harmony in many countries.
Therefore
, there are several benefits which cause me
stand
Add the particle
to stand
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 position that
earlier
Correct article usage
the earlier
show examples
 trend is a positive development.
Then
, in the following paragraphs, I will elucidate my perspectives.
To begin
 with, living in the middle of plural societies might decrease discrimination and racial conflicts in view of the members of societies
may
Correct pronoun usage
that may
show examples
 develop social interaction with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others.
For instance
, in my homeland, Indonesia, there are more than 700 ethnic groups and they relish the social balance
due to
 there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
duty
like
Change preposition
of
show examples
 respecting communities from
dissimilarity
Replace the word
dissimilar
show examples
 backgrounds which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 applied in daily
contacts
Fix the agreement mistake
contact
show examples
.
Consequently
, respecting other groups
as a result
 of
previous
Change the article
the previous
show examples
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
 has
probability
Add an article
the probability
a probability
show examples
 to decline conflicts which are made by the lack of
tolerancy
Correct your spelling
tolerance
. Turning to another side, many people shall improve several meaningful activities which represent pluralism like making good cooperation and maintaining
communal
Add an article
a communal
the communal
show examples
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
. To illustrate, in Bengkulu city
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
my birthplace, it is a common phenomenon when societies from different religions work together
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 some occasions
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Muslims help to rule the traffics when
Christmast
Correct your spelling
Christmas
 happens, and later, some Churchs provide their park to keep vehicles when Muslims celebrate their special religion days.
As a result
, growing in multicultural ecosystems will develop
Add an article
a relationship
show examples
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 among different groups. To summarize, I redeclare that
Correct article usage
a pluralism
show examples
pluralism
Replace the word
pluralist
show examples
 society has numerous advantages which can be identified from multitudinous aspects like avoiding mass conflicts and ameliorating a good relationship with many communities.
Then
, it is a communal responsibility to conserve earlier
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
 to construct better life without discrimination.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: