IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many governments spend a lot of money on art. Some people think this investment in art is necessary, but others say the money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#governments #money #art #people #investment #health #education
The question of whether to spend money on art or to invest them in healthcare and educational systems is extremely topical today, as so many countries are struggling with
problem
Add an article
a problem
the problem
show examples
“how
Change preposition
of “how
show examples
 to raise the standard of living?”. Both sides of
this
 argument will be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn. A good illustration
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the side which believes that improving
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
show examples
 system is more important, would-be Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Where it is said, if physiological needs are not satisfied,
such
 as needs for food, personal security and health, the human body cannot function optimally. Maslow considered physiological needs the most important as all the other needs become secondary until these needs are met. So, it is clearly seen that without culture
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 will survive but
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will not without medical help. But for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education, art can rightly be called
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 of the most important parts of education,
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 without knowledge of math or
biology
Add a comma
,biology
show examples
 it is likely that people will struggle with providing their life level. Taken from another viewpoint, opponents of improving culture in their countries point out many advantages.
For instance
,
bountiful
Add an article
the bountiful
a bountiful
show examples
 mass of tourists can be attracted by putting a thought-provoking sculpture on the street, which is
also
 a great
developing
Replace the word
development
show examples
 scheme for the economical part of the government.
Moreover
, the arts cultivate young imaginations and facilitate success in school, enhancing academic achievement in multiple subject areas. They provide the critical thinking, communications and innovation skills essential to a productive 21st-century
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
.
Furthermore
, the arts foster physical, mental and emotional health, aiding recovery processes and contributing to well-being. Arts therapy is a medically and economically effective tool for treating ageing adults, children and people suffering from trauma.
Overall
, I tend to agree that it is as much important to invest money in art as
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 health and educational spheres.
Submitted by catherinefelde on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: