IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workes deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workes #pension #workers #benefit
A lot of
people
 say that
music
 is
Correct article usage
a powerfil
show examples
powerfil
Correct your spelling
powerful
 way to unite
people
 of different cultures ,
religus
Correct your spelling
religions
religious
, and age groups.In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
 notion because
music
 is the language of all living creatures ,and everyone can understand it ,and react to it. In
this
 essay, I will
further
 explain and give examples.
To begin
Fix the infinitive
Begin
show examples
, there are different reasons for
this
 ,but the most important
Fix the agreement mistake
one
show examples
ones
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 is that
music
 can stimulate
emotions
Correct article usage
the emotions
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
humains
Correct your spelling
humans
.
In other words
, it can make them sad or happy .
for example
, sad slow
righthm
Correct your spelling
right
 songs can make them sad ,
while
 fast lively
music
 can make them happy. to explain more, if we but individuals of various age groups or different
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
,and we played to them exiting
music
then
 everyone in the room will
danc
Correct your spelling
dance
 together as they know each other
despit
Correct your spelling
despite
 of all the differences between them.
Moreover
, the second reason is that
music
 can unite
people
 to one cause especially national
music
 , traditional
music
 and historical one. for
instant
Add an article
an instant
show examples
, national
music
 played in
footpall
Correct your spelling
football
 games make all the audience react
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it even if they
camed
Correct your spelling
came
 from
differet
Correct your spelling
different
 culture ,since their nationality unite them ,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
 the
music
 will
remained
Change the verb form
remain
show examples
 them .
To conclude
, many
people
 of different
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 and age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 can react as one when
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
music
stamulate
Correct your spelling
stimulate
 their emotions like the national
music
 or historical
music
 where it remains them of their history and nationality .
futhermore
Correct your spelling
furthermore
, even though some of them have
different
Add an article
a different
the different
show examples
test
Fix the agreement mistake
tests
show examples
 in
music
 ,
exiting
Correct your spelling
exciting
show examples
music
 can make everyone
danc
Correct your spelling
dance
,
lagh
Correct your spelling
laugh
 and have fun .
Submitted by mohmmadloaa95 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: