IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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Several
people
Use synonyms
 think that increasing the number of
sports
Use synonyms
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
 will help improve public
health
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, others are of an opinion that it will have a minimal effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 and
additional
Correct word choice
that additional
show examples
 measures are necessary. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will argue that
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities play
and
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 important role in improving public
health
Use synonyms
taken
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 into account that awareness about healthy eating and reduced screen time are
also
Linking Words
 considered. On the one hand,
due to
Linking Words
 the sedentary lifestyle of many
people
Use synonyms
 and remote working culture;
people
Use synonyms
 are always confined in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 homes and
neglecting
Wrong verb form
neglect
show examples
 regular exercise for better
health
Use synonyms
. If government deploys
construction
Correct article usage
the construction
show examples
 of new
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities;
for example
Linking Words
 gyms, swimming pools,
tennis
Correct word choice
and tennis
show examples
 and badminton courts it will encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to come out of their immobilized state of mind and body to indulge in different physical activities to improve their
health
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, opening a
cost effective
Add a hyphen
cost-effective
show examples
 facility like
green
Add an article
a green
the green
show examples
 gym at parks will be beneficial for all.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, eating in moderation and reducing exposure towards television and mobile phones
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
also
Linking Words
 paramount for healthy living.
Due to
Linking Words
 unhealthy, fatty and unsaturated food
items
Add a comma
,items
show examples
 many
people
Use synonyms
 are commonly facing obesity issues at a very young age. On top of that,
surrounded
Add a missing verb
being surrounded
show examples
 by technology 24x7 causes detrimental effects on the brain. In my view,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should run campaigns and awareness programs for the subject issue. In my opinion,
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 significant for improving public
health
Use synonyms
 provided that
people
Use synonyms
 incline more towards healthy eating habits and less screen time.
To sum up
Linking Words
, physical activity is relevant for every individual to have a healthy
living
Replace the word
lifestyle
show examples
 but food habits and technology are
also
Linking Words
 invaluable.
Submitted by Aishwarya  on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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