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Band 5.5

Some people believe that technology such as mobile phone is destroying social interactions. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #technology #phone #interactions
It is certainly true that the lifestyle of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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is
Verb problem
has
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 changed drastically with the proliferation of high-tech media. Some people opine that social bonding between citizens is diminishing because of electronic gadgets like mobile
phones
. In my opinion, I agree with
this
 statement as they like to make
friends
 virtually
instead
 of spending time with them in real. Nowadays folks are using electronic gadgets to communicate with their
friends
 or family members.
This
 is because they have hectic schedules since they are busy with their jobs and business.
Therefore
, they communicate with them through social media once in
while
Correct article usage
a while
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, which in results bonding between them gets decreased as they do not like real meetings at the weekend.
For instance
, a survey done by BBC
last
 year noticed that in developed countries like ,Canada youngsters utilize mobile
phones
 to talk with
friends
. They believe that a real meeting is a time waste.
Moreover
, adolescents are using mobile
phones
 to recuperate from the stress of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. The reason is that they like to play games online or watch videos which not only relax their mind but
also
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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assimilate the knowledge which is useful for them in future. These public believe that interaction with
friends
 on a weekend is a money waste.
Thus
, they like to watch something online rather than meet them.
For instance
, families in Canada like to watch something on Netflix on weekends to relax their minds. In conclusion, the public is using
phones
 to communicate virtually with their close people. They are using these gadgets but social bondings are decreasing with their families or
friends
.
Submitted by komal03892 on

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task response
Provide more specific examples and elaborate on how mobile phones are specifically diminishing social interactions. Ensure all points directly relate to the topic and thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the flow between paragraphs by using transition words effectively. Also, consider restructuring some sentences for better clarity and coherence.
task response
Clear introduction and conclusion that address the topic effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Good use of vocabulary and varied sentence structures.
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