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Band 4.5

Some people say that it is the responsibility of individuals to save money for their own care after they retire. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #responsibility #individuals #money #care
Most
people
 save
money
 for their own care is
responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
show examples
 of
Correct article usage
the individual
show examples
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 when they retire . I
am agree
Change the verb form
agree
show examples
 with
this
 situation. Many
people
 when they
done
Add the auxiliary verb
did
have done
show examples
 their
service
 and retire
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
support
 own self after
service
 and they spend a
life
 in a job .
However
, the old
service man
Correct your spelling
serviceman
show examples
 who
work
 for half of the century and the age they spend in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work
 they take
retirement
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
job
Add an article
the job
a job
show examples
 . Most
people
 who don't have
any one
Correct your spelling
anyone
show examples
 to
support
 others
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
support
 own self .
For example
 when the government
people
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work
 they collect and save
money
 for their own and
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 end of
life
 they spend a peaceful
life
 after using the
saving
Replace the word
saved
show examples
money
 . If they don't have any
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
 and
Add a missing verb
have done
show examples
done
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 their job they have nothing to spend
life
 easily .
Moreover
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 some bad
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
 some of them join duty and after some time they leave their
work
 to get
retirement
 only for
money
 .they took
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 the government or other
companies
Change noun form
companies'
company's
show examples
money
 so we need to refuse or cancel after
retirement
service
.
For
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 if
some body
Correct your spelling
somebody
show examples
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
retirement
 we need to give them some
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
 that he
work
Change the verb form
works
show examples
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 several
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
after
this
 we cannot do any connection to them . In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
 it is good for the old
people
 who
support
 their self and manage their
life
 . For
younger
Add a comma
,younger
show examples
 we need to cancel
retirement
 .
Retirement
 is only for older
people
that
Correct word choice
so
show examples
 we make
Add an article
a plane
the plane
show examples
plane
Correct your spelling
plans
show examples
 for
people
.
Submitted by maseh12499 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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