IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

many manufactured foods and drink products cotain high levels of sugar,which cause many health problems.sugary products should be made be more expencive to encourge people to consum less sugar.

#foods #drink #products #cotain #levels #sugar #health #expencive #encourge #people #consum
It is undeniable that sugar is part of
ingredients
Correct article usage
the ingredients
show examples
 of numerous edible
products
 which may harm
people
's health.It is argued that selling foods or drinks that have sugar
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 might be a way to avert societies to use and eat them less. I believe,
although
 not all
people
 tend to buy costly
products
 or even they do not afford them, education has more impact to convince communities to consume less amount of sugar in their daily diet.
To begin
 with, on one hand, since many
people
 around the world are struggling with poverty, they may not have enough money to purchase expensive things
such
 as foodstuff or beverages. so offering
such
 manufactured stuff may hind
this
 population to spend on luxurious foods.
For instance
, regarding historical events or stories, whenever communities
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
suffered from
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of some stuff , the stuff would be sold more expensive and
consequently
 the majority of residents would deprive of some of it.
Furthermore
, offering some
products
 more costly sometimes was a trick from manufacturers or producers to have
lucrative
Add an article
a lucrative
show examples
 business, since
this
 way may make a trend in societies and tempt
people
 to purchase them or be more crave to try them , so considering
this
 problem ,increasing the prices always can not be the best option which might be an impediment for
population
Add an article
the population
a population
show examples
 to consume some foodstuff fewer. Namely, some chocolate brands are known as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous brands globally and buying them may be
symbol
Add an article
a symbol
the symbol
show examples
 of opulence, so the cost of
products
 was not an obstacle for selling those sweets and following that the factories still
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 good income.
on the other hand
, education has a fundamental impact on
pursue
Wrong verb form
pursuing
show examples
 families to use or not use some
products
. If communities are aware of the harm of the common ingredient
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they consume in their diets on their health and fitness, they may refuse to eat them anymore.
For example
, athletes have less tendency to buy sugary
products
 since they are oriented well that
this
 food can hind them to achieve the body style that they wish and try to have. All in all,
however
, it seems that costly
products
 have fewer fans, so making sugary
products
 expensive can not be a radical solution to prevent
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 to consume them.I think ,
in contrast
, education and positive awareness may be more effective.
Submitted by r.etemadi2020 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: