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Band 4

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#schoolchildren #history #world
There is an increasingly popular idea that a
country
’s
history
 should be learned by students
instead
 of
world
history
. I don’t believe that contention makes sense because
world
history
 is
also
 necessary for learners’ knowledge. First and foremost, the
Culture
Fix the agreement mistake
Cultures
show examples
 and traditions of the different nations give us interesting experiences. Learning about the formation periods in other
countries
 helps you know more about culture and how they live in developed the
country
.
In addition
, each
country
 has different traditions, which always leave many useful experiences that need to be preserved.
For example
, if you have a chance to travel to a certain
country
, understanding the
history
 and culture of that place will make it easier for you to integrate and have a more enjoyable experience.
Thus
, the
history
 of
countries
 will help us understand more about the
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
 and cultures around the
world
.
Moreover
, learning
world
history
 contributes improvement of our
country
 . Learn how other
countries
 improve their lives, and how to manage their citizens. From that, we can apply it to our
country
. In 1911, Ho Chi Minh's president went to other
countries
 to find a way for Vietnam to become an independent
country
.
Therefore
, studying
world
history
 helps us understand the current and future and
then
 find a way to develop our
country
. After discussing all the points mentioned above,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 can
finally
 conclude that
world
history
 is important to learn in school.
Submitted by phamnhung275 on

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overall
The introduction and conclusion are somewhat present but need improvement. The main points are somewhat supported but could be more detailed to improve coherence and cohesion. The response is generally complete, but specific examples and comprehensive ideas need to be more relevant and well-developed.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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