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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

( Humaira )The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

( Humaira )The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.
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The graph illustrates the percentage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 aged 65 and above in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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, Sweden and Japan over
an
Change the article
a
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 101-year period between 1940 to 2040.
Overall
Linking Words
, the population of all countries increased, but Sweden and USA had some
flactuations
Correct your spelling
fluctuations
. It is expected that the number will follow the same trend.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in 1940, the number of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 was 9% and
then
Linking Words
 rose significantly to 15% in 1980. After that, it witnessed a slight decline to 14% in 2000 and it is predicted that, by the year 2040, the proportion will reach 23%.
However
Linking Words
, in 1940, 7%
old
Change preposition
of old
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people
Use synonyms
 were in Sweden.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it climbed remarkably to 14% in 1980. After a slight drop, the population rate increased again to 20% in 2020 and will jump to 25%
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period.
population
Add an article
the population
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 of 65 and over aged
people
Use synonyms
 started at 5% in Japan in 1940 and dwindled to 30% in 1960.
Subsequently
Linking Words
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 remained stable till 1980.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
,Finally
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 it rose gradually to 10% in 2020 and will hit the peak point
to
Change preposition
of
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 27% in 1940.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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