IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Success plays
role
Correct article usage
a role
show examples
 in our life,
while
Linking Words
 Some people think that success comes from hard work and determination, on other opinions, think there are more important factors
such
Linking Words
 as
money
Use synonyms
 and appearance. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both views and state my opinion. There are two primary reasons for
this
Linking Words
.
Overall
Linking Words
, achievement has a major role in the play as it shapes personality. Only individuals put constant effort into tasks, and the result turns out fruitful.
Such
Linking Words
 as students after finishing university willing to start work.
Moreover
Linking Words
, often we listen to successful businessmen, and how they start their careers.
For example
Linking Words
, Suliman Alrajhi was born in a society poor,
nevertheless
Linking Words
, today has a big company (Alrajhi Bank) in Saudi Arabia.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some people believe
money
Use synonyms
 is everything in life. The viewpoint that means
money
Use synonyms
 and looks are important to reach its peak for achievement. Sometimes, males or females born in affluent families can help
easy to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
develop themselves
.
Rephrase
easily.
show examples
Whereas
Linking Words
men’s
Fix the agreement mistake
man’s
show examples
 father is rich and can provide by opening privet company without the need to take
money
Use synonyms
 from a bank.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it is more than clearly important hard work and determination to be successful. By working hard and being determined to move forward skills and knowledge are gained. These skills and information are the easy keys to dealing with problems, and the main reason for gaining wedges. In conclusion, in my perspective, income and outfit are important to be successful only in a specific case, on
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, a hard effort is most important to achieve goals.
Submitted by yasmeen.almusllam00 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Task Response: The essay provides some relevant points but lacks depth and coherence in presenting the arguments. Make sure to provide a clear and comprehensive response to the prompt, and support your points with relevant examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay lacks a clear logical structure, and the introduction and conclusion need to be more clearly presented. Additionally, the supported main points are not effectively developed and linked. Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical organization, and that the introduction, body, and conclusion are well-connected.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
What to do next:
Look at other essays: