IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The diagram below shows the life circle of salmon, from egg to adult fish.

The diagram below shows the life circle of salmon, from egg to adult fish.
The diagram illustrates the various stages in the
life
Use synonyms
 of
Salmon
Use synonyms
fish
Use synonyms
, from
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
birth to maturity.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are eight steps in the
life
Use synonyms
 of a
Salmon
Use synonyms
 and it is a cycling process of
Salmon
Use synonyms
 reproduction.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they spend their
life
Use synonyms
 in three individual places, which are
river
Use synonyms
,
estuary
Use synonyms
 and ocean, beginning from
river
Use synonyms
 to
estuary
Use synonyms
 to ocean and
then
Linking Words
 back upstream. First of all, the
life
Use synonyms
 span of
Salmon
Use synonyms
fish
Use synonyms
 starts in the
river
Use synonyms
, when any adult
fish
Use synonyms
 lays and incubates their eggs in
river
Use synonyms
 water.
Then
Linking Words
 they get emerged from eggs and
begins
Correct subject-verb agreement
begin
show examples
 to rear in the
fresh water
Correct your spelling
freshwater
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, the next stage of their
life
Use synonyms
 is spent in
Use synonyms
estuary
Add an article
the estuary
show examples
 where their rearing continues. After their rearing in
Use synonyms
estuary
Add an article
the estuary
an estuary
show examples
, they
shifts
Change the verb form
shift
show examples
 to
ocean
Correct article usage
the ocean
show examples
 and
rears
Fix the agreement mistake
rear
show examples
 to specific rearing places. There they
grows
Change the verb form
grow
show examples
 up until they become fully matured adults.
Finally
Linking Words
, they again
migrates
Change the verb form
migrate
show examples
 upstream to spawning areas of rivers to produce and lay eggs.
Thus
Linking Words
, a new
life
Use synonyms
 cycle
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
Salmon
Use synonyms
fish
Use synonyms
 begins.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words life, salmon, fish, river, estuary with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: