IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Use specific reasons and examples to support your option.

#television #communication #friends #support #option
Some say that relationships between individuals
such
 as family members and friends have been destroyed by Electronic
devices
such
 as television and mobile phones, I strongly agree with
this
 statement and my essay will support the opinion because unfortunately these electronic
devices
 take a lot of
time
 from
people
 and make them always busy. Unhappily, a lot of
people
 spend very much
time
 on their electronic
devices
 and that affects their real
life
 and what is inside it,
such
 as their relationships and their families and that leads to the end of their normal
life
,
for instance
, children who spend the whole day on their phone when the parents take it from them they will cry, study from Harvard University shows that more than 60% of communication between individuals in our modern
life
 become difficult and that was not the case before electronics came. When
people
 prefer to spend
time
 in the virtual world that will cause the end of real
life
 from their perspective,
for example
, a friend of mine is a gamer and I can not sit with him and talk normally more than 30 minutes he gets bored quickly. In conclusion, it will be helpful If we reduce our use of these
devices
, and spend more
time
 with
people
 around us, which will affect significantly our health,
instead
 of sitting in front of the television for 10 hours we should decrease the hours to 5 or even 2 and that will lead to much different to us and or bodies and our relationships
Submitted by ahmedaziz9811 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay successfully engages with the task and presents a clear opinion. To enhance it, try to elaborate more on each point. For instance, provide more detailed examples or explanations to fully develop your main ideas.
coherence cohesion
Work on your essay's structure. A clearer organization and logical progression of ideas can make it easier to follow. Each paragraph should ideally contain a single main idea supported by relevant examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. This will help the reader see how your arguments interrelate and support your overall point more clearly.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and stays on topic throughout, which is a solid start for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, helping to frame your argument and bring it to a close effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • distraction
  • monopolize
  • meaningful conversations
  • engrossed
  • face-to-face interactions
  • weakened bonds
  • diminished quality
  • superficial content
  • sensational
  • negatively affecting
  • social development
  • family-oriented programs
  • bonding activities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: