IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Use specific reasons and examples to support your option.

#television #communication #friends #support #option
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Some say that relationships between individuals
such
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 as family members and friends have been destroyed by Electronic
devices
Use synonyms
such
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 as television and mobile phones, I strongly agree with
this
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 statement and my essay will support the opinion because unfortunately these electronic
devices
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 take a lot of
time
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 from
people
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 and make them always busy. Unhappily, a lot of
people
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 spend very much
time
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 on their electronic
devices
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 and that affects their real
life
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 and what is inside it,
such
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 as their relationships and their families and that leads to the end of their normal
life
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,
for instance
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, children who spend the whole day on their phone when the parents take it from them they will cry, study from Harvard University shows that more than 60% of communication between individuals in our modern
life
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 become difficult and that was not the case before electronics came. When
people
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 prefer to spend
time
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 in the virtual world that will cause the end of real
life
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 from their perspective,
for example
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, a friend of mine is a gamer and I can not sit with him and talk normally more than 30 minutes he gets bored quickly. In conclusion, it will be helpful If we reduce our use of these
devices
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, and spend more
time
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 with
people
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 around us, which will affect significantly our health,
instead
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 of sitting in front of the television for 10 hours we should decrease the hours to 5 or even 2 and that will lead to much different to us and or bodies and our relationships
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task achievement
The essay successfully engages with the task and presents a clear opinion. To enhance it, try to elaborate more on each point. For instance, provide more detailed examples or explanations to fully develop your main ideas.
coherence cohesion
Work on your essay's structure. A clearer organization and logical progression of ideas can make it easier to follow. Each paragraph should ideally contain a single main idea supported by relevant examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. This will help the reader see how your arguments interrelate and support your overall point more clearly.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and stays on topic throughout, which is a solid start for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, helping to frame your argument and bring it to a close effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • distraction
  • monopolize
  • meaningful conversations
  • engrossed
  • face-to-face interactions
  • weakened bonds
  • diminished quality
  • superficial content
  • sensational
  • negatively affecting
  • social development
  • family-oriented programs
  • bonding activities
What to do next:
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