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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time job while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages ?

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There is no denying the fact that the main impact of working for juveniles is debatable.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that emboldened youngsters to work after school can help them in the future.
This
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 essay will shed light upon some merits and demerits and will give my own opinion. There are masses who argue that the benefits of emboldening youngsters to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
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 in part-time work considerably outweigh its demerits. The main reason for believing
this
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 is that working at an early age might help folks to gain an excellent experience
as well as
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 to understand the environment of the workplace. To illustrate, youngsters often have no experience before, if they start to engage with others in the workplace, they might learn different
skills
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such
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 as communication
skills
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, leadership
skills
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as well as
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 problem-solving
skills
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.
Moreover
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,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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part-time
jobs
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 might help teens to plan their future
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 when they start to practice them in the real world.
Thus
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,
this
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 makes it clear that motivating juveniles to participate in part-time
jobs
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 can be beneficial for them.
On the other hand
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, others
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
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 that teens should not join a part-time job as it might cause several disadvantages for them.
To begin
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 with, youth might neglect their school studies as they will be busy most of the time with their work.
For instance
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, juveniles might arrive home very late and they might be stressed out by workload.
Therefore
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, they might be unable to focus or solve their university assignments which may lead them to fail their college entire year.
Hence
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, it becomes apparent that part-time
jobs
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 may cause some dilemmas for youth when they are studying at school. In conclusion, both arguments have their merits. On balance,
however
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, I strongly believe that teens must
be embolden
Change the verb form
be emboldened
show examples
 to practice part-time
jobs
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 as these might strengthen their
skills
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 and allow them to acquire several opportunities in the future.

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of your essay. Ensure that each paragraph follows a clear and organized sequence of ideas to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing a stronger introduction and conclusion that clearly address the essay prompt and summarize the main points of the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more specific examples and elaboration to fully develop your ideas and arguments. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Ensure that your response fully addresses the task prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of teenagers working part-time. Develop your ideas more thoroughly to provide a clear and comprehensive response.
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