IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
According to
Linking Words
 the bar chart, in 1995 around 50% of the
people
Use synonyms
 were born in the
cities
Use synonyms
 of
Australia
Use synonyms
 and 60% were born in
cities
Use synonyms
 outside
Australia
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 born in towns in
Australia
Use synonyms
 were 20% and outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 were 10%, and those
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
 in rural areas of
Australia
Use synonyms
 were around 30% and
outside
Correct pronoun usage
those outside
show examples
Australia
Use synonyms
 were 40%.
However
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the bar chart of 2010, there was
increase
Add an article
an increase
the increase
show examples
 in the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
 inside and outside
Use synonyms
cities
Correct article usage
the cities
show examples
 of
Australia
Use synonyms
. The
Use synonyms
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 who
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
cities
Correct article usage
the cities
show examples
 of
Australia
Use synonyms
 reached
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
show examples
 65% and the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside
Correct article usage
the outside
show examples
cities
Use synonyms
 of
Autralia
Correct your spelling
Australia
 increased
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 80%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there was a decline in the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 born inside and outside towns of
Australia
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 born in towns of
Australia
Use synonyms
 reduced to 13% from 20%
while
Linking Words
 outside of
Australia
Use synonyms
 it remains almost the same.
Lastly
Linking Words
, there is a sharp decline in the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 born inside and outside of rural areas of
Australia
Use synonyms
 in 2010. In
Use synonyms
Australia
Add a comma
,Australia
show examples
 it is approximately 13%
however
Linking Words
, in the rural areas outside of
Australia
Use synonyms
 it reduced from 40% to 5%.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "according to, however".
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, cities, australia, percentage with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reduced" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographics
  • urbanization
  • migration patterns
  • population distribution
  • percentage points
  • growth rate
  • decline
  • trend analysis
  • socioeconomic factors
  • infrastructure development
  • rural exodus
  • census data
  • lifestyle changes
  • residential patterns
  • immigration policies
  • emigration
  • natural increase
  • birth rate
  • settlement patterns
  • push and pull factors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: