IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that advertisements aimed at children should be banned. Others argue that advertisements have a positive impact on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In
this
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 modern technological era,
advertisements
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 are something that people cannot avoid including
children
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. Some people argue that it should be banned from
children
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 because it will
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative impact on them
while
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 others think
conversely
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both the negative and positive impact of
advertisements
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 on
children
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,
also
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 some examples will be provided to make it more clear.
First,
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from
advertisements
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 some youngsters maybe can easily get what they want to improve their life.
Furthermore
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, they can get more information that maybe they never find at school.
For example
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, some
advertisements
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 today provide clear information based on their target.
Moreover
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, if they target
children
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, they can promote something related to
children
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's needs
such
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 as books or any school materials and
sometime
Fix the agreement mistake
sometimes
show examples
 some discounts will be provided to attract their consumers.
As a result
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,
children
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 do not need to visit stores physically to get any information about things that they want to buy.
However
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, some
advertisements
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 today contain adult content. in
this
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 case, it will
bring
Verb problem
have
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 a negative impact on
children
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 because they will
easy to
Replace the word
easily
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 access something
that is
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 unfit for their age.
This
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 content actually can drive
children
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 to try to practice what they see in
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
advertisements
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.
For instance
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, in some countries, the number of criminal activities related to sexual harassment
that commits
Wrong verb form
committed
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 by
children
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show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
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 an increasing number of
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
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.
in
Capitalize word
In
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 my point of view, it happens because they can access adult content from
advertisements
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 that
showed
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
 when they play online games. In conclusion,
advertisements
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 in something that people cannot avoid because it is like supply and demand. It is actually can bring both positive and negative impacts but it can be manageable.
As a result
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. The Positivity of
advertisements
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 will outweigh the negativity.

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task response
Your introduction sets the stage for the discussion, but consider refining your thesis statement to clearly express your opinion or the direction your essay will take. This will make your stance or central argument clearer.
coherence
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically follows from the one before. This will improve the logical flow of your essay and ensure coherence.
task response
Work on fully developing your ideas with detailed explanations and examples. This will make your arguments more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence correction
Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will strengthen the coherence of your essay.
task response
You have effectively presented both sides of the argument in your essay, which is essential to this task type.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your discussion well.
task achievement
You have included examples to support your points, which adds depth to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumerism
  • materialism
  • impressionable
  • manipulative
  • discern
  • navigate choices
  • informed consumers
  • potentially beneficial
  • health consequences
  • creative development
  • imaginative play
  • economic impact
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