IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that to reduce the amount of time people spend commuting (travelling to work), parks and gardens close to city centres should be replaced by apartment buildings for commuters to live in. However, others disagree with this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #amount #time #work #parks #gardens #city #centres #apartment #buildings #commuters
Nowadays, many
people
 assert that green spaces
such
 as parks and
gardens
 should be replaced by residential areas for enhancing family connections
as well as
 to reduce traffic congestion,
while
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 are against it.Both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views will be discussed below.
According to
 many individuals, replacing
gardens
into
Change preposition
with
show examples
 city centres would be helpful to increase love,
affection
Correct word choice
and affection
show examples
 among families because most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
families
Add an article
the families
show examples
 are employed , they
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not enough time to spend together , but staying together there would be
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
familiy
Correct your spelling
family
familiar
 barriers;
as a result
,
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
happier families and
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 chances of
separtion
Correct your spelling
separation
.
Moreover
, another positive side would be less
congetion
Correct your spelling
congestion
 on road .
In these
Change preposition
These
show examples
 days, most of all family members have their own
ways
Fix the agreement mistake
way
show examples
 of
tranpotaion
Correct your spelling
transportation
,they prefer to go by their own
vechile
Correct your spelling
vehicle
;
therefore
, traffic on
roads
Correct article usage
the roads
show examples
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased as compared to
past
Correct article usage
the past
show examples
 ,
while
 having residential spaces
people
 have to stay home .
According to
 the opponents, one of the biggest advantages of having parks and
gardens
 is that
people
 can stay healthy, they can
easiliy
Correct your spelling
easily
 perform their regular
excercises
Correct your spelling
exercises
exercise
such
 as yoga, walking and running, if
this areas
Change the determiner
this area
these areas
show examples
 would be demolished
then
 they will not have space for
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 activities.It could lead to serious health
issuses
Correct your spelling
issues
 like
obseity
Correct your spelling
obesity
also
people
 will suffer not physically but
also
 mentally.
Apart from
this
, there would be more air pollution by having more industrial buildings
whereas
 greenery is helpful to purify the air and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
keep the environment pollution free. In conclusion, no doubt ,both aspects have their own positive and negative sides,but
according to
 my
perspective
Add a comma
,perspective
show examples
people
 should not demolish parks and
gardens
 for their own
benefits
Fix the agreement mistake
benefit
show examples
 because it not only helps
people
 to stay healthy but
also
 keep
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 pollution free.
Submitted by navjotguri on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!