IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that outdoor activities benefit children's development rather than computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #activities #benefit #children #development #computer #games
Children these days spend most of their leisure time on
computers
, playing online
games
. A group of people opine youngsters should invest more time in outdoor
games
 and I agree with
this
 viewpoint to a great extent. I will be looking at the benefits of both computer and outdoor
games
 and outline why one
ove
Correct your spelling
over
 rules the other. The young generation lives in
era
Add an article
an era
show examples
 where
computers
 and mobile phones are accessible by everyone regardless of their age. one of the
advantage
Change to a plural noun
advantages
show examples
 of playing with
computers
 is that it helps children to use
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 effortlessly which is a necessary skill in
this
 technological society.
Secondly
, it
also
 gives the comfort of playing from
ones
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 on house, regardless of the climate or timeline. To exemplify, during covid computer
games
where
Correct your spelling
were
show examples
 the only means to link with your friends and play without the issue of contact and transmitting disease.
Nevertheless
, playing in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature has its own benefits, which can never be out-rated by
computers
. It helps
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young minds to be physically fit and
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 their health and
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
.
In addition
, it
also
 helps youngsters to socialise and build
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 within their community.
For instance
,it fosters a child to build their skills in outdoor
games
 like
basket ball
Correct your spelling
basketball
show examples
 and football, which can promote the young person to compete in national
games
.
To sum up
,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 playing with
computers
 has
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
on
Correct your spelling
own
show examples
 advantage, spending time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the ground and breathing fresh air
while
 playing boost children's immunity and health.
Thus
, playing outside the house is seen to be
beneficial
Correct quantifier usage
more beneficial
show examples
 than staying
indoor
Correct your spelling
indoors
show examples
 with online
games
.
Submitted by liyajayas on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • benefit
  • development
  • physical
  • promote
  • foster
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • abilities
  • well-being
  • hinder
  • isolation
  • interpersonal skills
  • sedentary
  • exposure
  • negatively affect
  • academic performance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: