IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of high school students having part-time jobs. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples.

#school #students #jobs
In
this
 concurrent era,
work
 is a necessity of life. There is a discussion going on, that many
pupil
Change to a plural noun
pupils
show examples
 like to do
temperory
Correct your spelling
temporary
work
along with
 their studies. I will discuss both merits and demerits of
this
 notion in forthcoming paragraphs. To commence with the pros of
Add an article
the part
show examples
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
job
. First and foremost is that children would become independent. To elaborate
this
Change preposition
on this
show examples
,
students
 generally
work
 with their
education
 just for money. They need any source of income to
fullfil
Correct your spelling
fulfil
 their needs.
Due to
 that they become independent and achieve their wishes
according to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that. To exemplify
this
, many migrant
students
 in Canada and Australia do part-time jobs for their college fee and their
livlihood
Correct your spelling
livelihood
. They complete their needs by themselves.
In addition
, youngsters
also
 gain some experience with that. Every
job
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 skills to
individual
Add an article
the individual
an individual
show examples
 that would help in future as well. They can use that experience for upcoming jobs or businesses.
However
, there are some cons of
temperory
Correct your spelling
temporary
job
also
.
Firstly
,
this
 can put
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 effect on
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
 of
students
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 usually learners spend their maximum time at
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
 to earn more. They do not give much attention
toward
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their studies.
Thus
,
in
Change preposition
as
show examples
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 they do not achieve good grades in their exams.
For instance
,
according to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
research, pupils who do
part-time
Add an article
the part-time
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 with their schooling receive bad results in
education
 than others. Despite
this
, high school
students
 are at their
pubirty
Correct your spelling
puberty
 stage. If they start working at
this
 age they cannot enjoy
with
Correct pronoun usage
themselves with
show examples
 their family or friends, as
this
Correct pronoun usage
these
show examples
 is
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 precious days of life that they can
utlize
Correct your spelling
utilise
 with them and make some memories for them. So
this
 would
lost
Change the verb form
be lost
lose
show examples
due to
work
.
To conclude
,
although
work
 would be important for some. But, it can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 the
education
 of
pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
show examples
 and
that is
 much more important
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 anything.
Submitted by amrindersinghynr89 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • work experience
  • time management
  • responsibility
  • customer service
  • financial independence
  • financial responsibility
  • parental support
  • value of money
  • work ethic
  • disciplined
  • dedicated
  • academic performance
  • balancing responsibilities
  • decline
  • limited leisure time
  • extracurricular activities
  • hobbies
  • socializing
  • personal development
  • stress
  • fatigue
  • demands
  • schoolwork
  • well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: