Young people of modern society are involved in part-time jobs after their studies. advantages and disadvantages of this?

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In
modern
Add an article
the modern

The noun phrase modern world seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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world,
a
Remove the article
apply

The indefinite article, a, may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun employment in your sentence. Consider removing it.

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part-time employment is becoming more common among
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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students
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. Post-study work assists adolescents to be experienced and
avoid
Wrong verb form
avoiding

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb avoid. Consider changing it.

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financial shortages.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

will cause problems in their studies and affect their mental health. On the one hand,
temporary
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the temporary
a temporary

The noun phrase temporary job seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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job for teenagers is that they learn to work with people and develop a sense of responsibility from an early age. From
Linking Words
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

this
Add a comma
,this

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase From this. Consider adding a comma.

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they gain a better understanding of the real world.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, young people will be able to control their financial expenses and manage money themselves.
As a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
students
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

get
the
Correct article usage
an

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understanding
of
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apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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how to utilise their money effectively
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

of unnecessary spending.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, in our country, most
of
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apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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Use synonyms
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

students
Add an article
the students

The phrase most of students may require the use of the article the. Consider inserting the before the noun in your sentence.

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start to pay their study
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees

It seems that fee may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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themselves after taking a part-time job.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there are some drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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having
a post-study jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a post-study job
post-study jobs

The indefinite article a may not be required with the plural noun jobs in this sentence. Consider removing the article, or changing the noun to singular.

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.
Students
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

are not able to manage their studies and office work at the same time. Because they spend their considerable hours
with
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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working in place of studying to achieve their academic grades.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, teenagers feel their life is very hectic as after their part-time job they do not have
energy
Correct article usage
the energy

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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and strength to complete them equally after that they become depressed.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, university results showed that a great number of
students
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

working as part-time employees are not able to perform academically well in their subjects in our country. In conclusion, even though having
a
Remove the article
apply

The indefinite article, a, may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun employment in your sentence. Consider removing it.

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part-time employment is beneficial and effective, it leads to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb have appears to be unnecessary here.

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detrimental effects on teenagers’ education and
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes

It seems that the verb cause does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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more negative aspects.

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Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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