IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some think that government should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Nowadays, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 should not
support
Use synonyms
 elderly
people
Use synonyms
 by giving them income.
While
Linking Words
 others think that the
government
Use synonyms
 should
support
Use synonyms
 them. I believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 must give them
support
Use synonyms
 because retired
people
Use synonyms
 represent fathers and mothers. On the one hand, retired
people
Use synonyms
 are affected by finances in countries. In many countries, many workers give the
government
Use synonyms
 money by paying taxes.
This
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 tax can be spent on retired
people
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.
For example
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, the Australian
government
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 has spent a big amount of tax on retired
people
Use synonyms
, because many of them have illnesses. It gives around 2000 AU. The same amount has been given to aged care. I think that
this
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 is acceptable for elderly
people
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 because they need
support
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 more than others.
On the other hand
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, most
people
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 will retire. When
people
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 have finished their time of
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 and are getting a high level of age, they
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
. So
people
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 cannot make money, because of harming the body and brain.
Furthermore
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, retired
people
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 cannot drive their cars, because they cannot see the road properly. Some research shows that
people
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 who are old cannot fox when they drive in their cars.
Therefore
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, retired
people
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 need
support
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 for everything. I believe that retired
people
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 need more
support
Use synonyms
 from the
government
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
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,
although
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 think that the
government
Use synonyms
 should not
support
Use synonyms
 elderly
people
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I believe that retired
people
Use synonyms
 must be supported by the
government
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because retired
people
Use synonyms
 represent fathers and mothers in our lives.
Moreover
Linking Words
, everyone will need help after a long life of work.

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task response
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coherence cohesion
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