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Writing Samples
Band 4

The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Please try to write at least 150 words.

The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Please try to write at least 150 words.
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The chart below illustrates the results of a Canadian study on how much and in which
hours
Use synonyms
 of the day do people in five different jobs sleep
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
 The red bars show the times an average individual in each of these occupations is expected to be asleep. An average student sleeps from 11
PM
Use synonyms
 to 7 AM.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they usually get 8
hours
Use synonyms
 of sleep, which is the highest
Use synonyms
hours
Correct quantifier usage
number of hours
show examples
 of sleep among the five
role
Change to a plural noun
roles
show examples
 mentioned in
this
Linking Words
 chart. Truck Drivers are expected to be sleeping
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 two separate times
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
each day, which is from 4
PM
Use synonyms
 to 7
PM
Use synonyms
, and 7 AM to 10
PM
Use synonyms
, which is a total of 6
hours
Use synonyms
 of sleep per
night
Use synonyms
. Truckers are the only people here, who do not get any sleep during the
night
Use synonyms
,
as a result
Linking Words
 of being on duty during
night
Use synonyms
 time. Similar to Truck Drivers, mothers rest
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 two different times. Their sleeping schedule is from 10
PM
Use synonyms
 to 6 AM,
however
Linking Words
, they get up at 1 AM
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and go to bed 2
hours
Use synonyms
 before that at 3 AM.
As a result
Linking Words
, they get 6
hours
Use synonyms
 of sleep. On average, Business Executives intend to get 6
hours
Use synonyms
 of sleep per
night
Use synonyms
. They go to bed at 11
PM
Use synonyms
 and wake up at 5 AM, which means that they wake up earlier than Full-time moms and Students.
Finally
Linking Words
, the Canadian study
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 shows information that Doctors get the least amount of sleep,
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 the five groups of people in
this
Linking Words
 chart. They usually sleep at 1 AM, get up at 3 AM, and continue their sleeping schedule an hour later, up to 7 AM. In conclusion, students get the most sleep
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
Doctors get the least sleep
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and Truckers
.
Add a missing verb
do.
show examples
Submitted by foad.marashi on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "as a result".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 75%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, pm, night with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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