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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #freedom
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Recently, some argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 gave their
children
Use synonyms
 high
freedom
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 which means they can do many things
depend
Wrong verb form
depending
show examples
 on themselves. For teenagers, it is no longer that everything has to follow
parents
Use synonyms
’ minds. There are some people who say that
this
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 kind of education will
bring
Verb problem
have
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 negative effects on
children
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, but I have some different opinions to discuss. When
children
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 have high
freedom
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 in life, they can
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 many decisions by themselves and I think
this
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 is a great opportunity for
children
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 they
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
learn how to be more independent. Because they have to choose the answer from those options.
In addition
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, it can help them cultivate their hobbies outside of the class
such
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 as discovering their talents in
leisure
Correct pronoun usage
their leisure
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 time, they can decide the plans and schedules as well. By doing that, It might trigger their creativity and support them
to
Change preposition
in
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 finding their dreams or pinpointing their life goals.
On the other hand
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, it could
also
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 cause some negative results.
For example
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, if
parents
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did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not pay enough attention to young
children
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,
that
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 might let them commit some crimes or face punishments. Another possibility is that too much
freedom
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 for those kids who cannot control themselves could make them not focus on their work and school life.
As a result
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, they won't be the perfect student that
parents
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 want. In conclusion, I agree that
freedom
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 is important for
children
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 and it can help
children
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 develop their own skills or hobbies and make more possibilities. But it
also
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 deserves to consider how free should
parents
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 give their
children
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.
Submitted by sw15923 on

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Task Response
Ensure a more balanced discussion of the positive and negative aspects of giving children too much freedom. Provide more specific examples to support the points made.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas and ensure that each paragraph connects smoothly with the previous one. Use transition words and phrases to improve coherence.
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