IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
Thesedays
Correct your spelling
These days
,one of the most controversial issues around the
world
 is population and everything
that is
 related to it.Meanwhile,some countries experience more population growth in the
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
young
generation
 than
old
Add an article
the old
show examples
generation
.In
this
 essay,I will discuss
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of both
group
Change to a plural noun
groups
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society with some relevant examples. On the one hand,all the countries around the
world
 need young
people
 to work for their country.
Young
Add an article
The young
show examples
generation
,first of all,
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 open-minded and they are ready to accept new ways and try hard situations.They are willing to work and they have a lot of energy
as well as
 productivity to tackle
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
issues in different areas.They are full of
Add an article
an idea
the idea
show examples
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
an
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 they are
creativite
Correct your spelling
creative
creativity
.
In addition
,they are updated and know the latest information or knowledge
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 many specific topics.
For example
,because of
advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
show examples
 in technology in recent years and significant development in Artificial
intelligence
Add a comma
,intelligence
show examples
 most young
people
 are able to work with AI in different aspects.
On the other hand
,elderly
people
 are treasures in our
world
.They are full of experience and knowledge in many topics.Most of the old
generation
 are more
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hardworking
 and industries and attain their experiences through difficulty.Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
they spend a lot of time and money to gain
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
information.they are
also
 the best mentor and
guide
Fix the agreement mistake
guides
show examples
 for young
people
 and can share their experiments and valuable knowledge with
junior
Fix the agreement mistake
juniors
show examples
 to boost their information without waste of their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
.
To sum up
,In my perspective,all the
people
 around the
world
 without age barriers are valuable and worthwhile for each country and just with the cooperation of both we can gain the desired result.
Submitted by marzieh.kiani on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: