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Writing Samples
Band 6

The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego, California, and the rest of the world.

The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego, California, and the rest of the world.
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The three pie charts show/reveal/ demonstrate the difference in the amount of
water
Use synonyms
 consumed in three identical/ dissimilar sectors (residential
sector
Use synonyms
, industry and
agriculture
Use synonyms
) in
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 Country,
California
Use synonyms
 and the world as a whole. The initial impression from the chart is = The most striking/ outstanding /notable feature is in
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 and
California
Use synonyms
, [
water
Use synonyms
 use for households [accounts for = represents] the highest proportion = the highest proportion of
water
Use synonyms
 consumption in households is clearly evident]. In marked contrast,
agriculture
Use synonyms
 consumes the vast majority of the
water
Use synonyms
 used in the world = The vast majority of
water
Use synonyms
 utilized worldwide is used for
agriculture
Use synonyms
, which contrasts markedly/ vividly. In
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 and
California
Use synonyms
,
water
Use synonyms
 usage for households takes up around 60 % and 39%, respectively. The amount of
water
Use synonyms
 used for
this
Linking Words
sector
Use synonyms
 worldwide is only 8%. The opposite trend can be seen when we look at
water
Use synonyms
 consumption/ In striking contrast, another distinguishing feature is
water
Use synonyms
 consumption in
agriculture
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
sector
Use synonyms
 utilizes/ gets through around 69% of global
water
Use synonyms
 use,
while
Linking Words
/
whereas
Linking Words
 the figures for
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 and
California
Use synonyms
 are significantly/ dramatically lower, at only 17% and 28%. Turning to the remaining
sector
Use synonyms
, we can see that the
water
Use synonyms
 usage for the industrial
sector
Use synonyms
 in
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 and the world [have equal proportion / is proportionally similar to] 23% whilst/
whereas
Linking Words
 the figure for
California
Use synonyms
 is slightly minimally higher, at 33%

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, sector, agriculture, san, diego, california with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • households
  • significant
  • industrial use
  • implications
  • agriculture
  • geographical
  • climatic
  • economic factors
  • patterns
  • sustainability
  • practices
  • surprising
  • exceptionally
  • improvements
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