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Writing Samples
Band 6

Young people are highly influenced by famous people and they look up to them as role models. Is that a positive or a negative development.

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In recent decades, celebrities' social influence has significantly reached young
people
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. Whether the situation in which young
people
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 look them up as role models should be accepted has been hotly debated among individuals. I agree that it
oughts
Correct subject-verb agreement
ought
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 to be regarded as a positive impact
due to
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 motivational factors.
This
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 essay will discuss
this
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 issue by using examples to support ideas and demonstrate points. On the one hand, it is the fact that if children listen to their successful lives or stories, they can become teenagers' motivations for their future careers.
In addition
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, as they dedicate themselves to delivering social responsibilities through donations, charities or voluntary activities, celebrities deserve to become adolescents' role models.
For example
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, famous
people
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such
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 as Justin Bieber or Big Bang have supported developing countries with financial assistance.
Thus
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, these factors can affect teenagers positively in their advancements.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 worry that their misbehaviours like drug abuse or violent lyrics on songs can be easily mimicked by teenagers.
Furthermore
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, tendencies to show off their property
such
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 as luxurious items or expensive cars are not respectful of ethical morals.
For instance
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, students in South Korea emulate sex
appealing
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sex-appealing
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 dances of famous
people
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 in pedagogical establishments, and it becomes a serious concern for their parents.
Therefore
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, it is comparatively difficult to say they
bring
Verb problem
have
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 positive impacts on adolescents' growth. In conclusion, as negative aspects of famous
people
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 can be overcome by their parents' or teachers' education, I strongly suggest that their social influences should be considered positively as motivational factors for their future careers children.

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coherence cohesion
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your points. Use concrete instances of how celebrities have positively or negatively influenced young people. Additionally, ensure that each example directly ties back to the main point or argument of the paragraph.
task response
You have a good logical structure in your essay. However, make sure to fully address all parts of the essay prompt. Develop each point thoroughly and address potential counter-arguments to strengthen your response.
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