IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many places women are taking jobs which are traditionally done by men. What do you think make these change happen. What's your opinion about it.

#places #women #jobs #men #change
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In recent decades, females have taken
duties
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 which have been traditionally done by males in many places. I agree that social opportunities should be given equally regardless of
gender
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 because the world has changed.
This
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 essay will discuss
this
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 issue by using examples to support ideas and demonstrate points.
To begin
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 with, nowadays, a social stereotype that
women
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 ought to be encouraged to do domestic tasks has been significantly shifted by allowing them to choose professions freely.
In addition
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, females can easily participate in occupations which require a physical workforce, compared to the past when they could not actively take part .
For example
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, these days, we can easily find that
women
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 engage in outdoor working activities
such
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 as carpenters or construction site workers which used to be processed by males.
Thus
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, followed by the world's changes, social prejudice against
women
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also
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 is being transformed.
Secondly
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, by admitting females' advantages
such
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 as sensitivity and detailing of work
duties
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, wider opportunities to work in various occupations are allocated to
women
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.
Furthermore
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, different working styles and needs between genders enable them to support each other and have a variety of visions to advance a company.
For instance
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, an experiment proves that a combination of two different genders
is
Verb problem
makes it
show examples
 easy to draw
out
Change preposition
apply
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approval when companies make a contract by providing assistance rather than a solemn
gender
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.
Therefore
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, as people realise each
gender
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's role in society, a transition of traditional
duties
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 has been applied, depending on
situation
Add an article
the situation
show examples
. In conclusion, as the world is changing, prejudice against
women
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also
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 is transformed, as time goes by. Even though men have traditionally done specific tasks so far, their
duties
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 should be determined, depending on situations or
gender
Use synonyms
's strong points.
Submitted by mix5777 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction lacks clarity and coherence. The main point of the essay is not clearly presented in the introduction. A more focused and structured introduction is needed.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion in presenting ideas. However, there are some areas where the logical structure could be improved for better flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task, with relevant examples and ideas. However, the introduction and conclusion need to be strengthened to fully address the task requirements.
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