IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

World would be better place if more women were in leadership positions . To what extent you agree or disagree .

#world #place #women #leadership #positions
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Gender-based debates in the area of
leadership
 have been common among the adult population.
While
 some opine that the world would be a better place if more
women
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 in
leadership
 positions, others believe men are better as leaders globally:
this
 essay will discuss both views and state what my opinion is.
To begin
,
women
 have inherent abilities to nurture young ones into adulthood and as
such
, they possess the stamina to withstand diverse kinds of pressure that may militate against the well-being of their offspring. In the same way, any
woman
 who is passionate about serving her nation in a piloting capacity renders
such
 service with the same passion and dedication as her young one.
However
, some persons argue that the demands of home management will not avail the
woman
 the privilege of time needed to effectively function in the political space as a leader.
Secondly
,
women
 are believed to be moral agents, little wonder the holy book emphasizes that a foolish son is a source of disgrace to his mother
instead
 of his father. It is worth noting that
women
 have taken up the responsibility of ensuring sound moral upbringing in their wards and as
such
, monitoring crime rates in a nation will be more effective under a
woman
's watch than it can be achieved when a man is in a similar captainship capacity.
Furthermore
, paying attention to detail is
also
 a natural attribute possessed by a
woman
;
this
 character strength is expressed even more in a mother's life, she learns it as she monitors her newborn child who is unable to express her concerns verbally, she identifies the baby's concerns and provides solutions by careful observations.
This
as well
Rephrase
apply
show examples
is
a
Rephrase
also a
show examples
required
leadership
 trait which enables someone in authority to identify community challenges before
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
show examples
 appalling.
Although
 many men have acquired
this
 trait through consistent studying and practice, it is more like a walk in the park for
women
. In conclusion, I strongly agree that the world be a better place if
women
 are in
leadership
 positions because they will nurture the nation on a steady growth path in diverse areas with so much passion likened to maternal affection.
Submitted by angelaonyiosbert on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, and you have provided a comprehensive response to the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a strong logical structure, and your ideas are well-connected throughout the essay. Focus on using more cohesive devices to fully connect your ideas and improve overall coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: