IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year
#bar #persons #job #type #sex #australia #year
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The given bar chart illustrates some information about the
number
Use synonyms
 of employed people by several
job
Use synonyms
 types (manager, professionals, semi-professionals,
tradespeople
Use synonyms
, clerical and labourers) for
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
 year.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the highest proportion of employed
females
Use synonyms
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
 was in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
clerical jobs, almost 1000.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
male's
Change noun form
male
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
job
Use synonyms
 is
at
Change preposition
apply
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almost 900. Followed by the
tradespeople
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, who
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
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 in second place for the
number
Use synonyms
 of employed
males
Use synonyms
 but for
females
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, it was the lowest percentage of all, 100.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the professionals
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professionals
Change the noun form
professional
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job
Use synonyms
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 had nearly the same
number
Use synonyms
 for
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
 year, 650 and 700.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
male
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
 managers percentage was 600
as well as
Linking Words
 for
females
Use synonyms
 it was 300.
Overall
Linking Words
, the highest
job
Use synonyms
 type
number
Use synonyms
 for
males
Use synonyms
 was in
tradespeople
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 and clerical, 900.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
show examples
 for employed
females
Use synonyms
, the lowest
job
Use synonyms
 types were in production and
tradespeople
Use synonyms
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
 year, at 100.
Submitted by dialamustafaalwais on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, job, tradespeople, males, females, australia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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