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Band 5.5

In some countries an increasing number of children are overweight as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to ban selling this kind of food in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #children #food #governments #ban #schools
In
this
 contemporary era, fast food usage has been one of the most important causes of obesity in young people. It is argued that governments should
make
Verb problem
apply
show examples
forbid the selling of fatty
foods
 like pizza and hamburgers. In
this
 essay, I
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 mention my agreement reasons for
this
 issue. For the first reason in supporting my issue, I would notice the benefits of healthy food
foods
 benefits. If fatty sandwiches become forbidden in schools, students have to eat nutritious edibles that help them to lessen their weight. For the second profit, their received calory decreases and it leads to losing weight. And
finally
, pupils' nutrition habits can be corrected. If they use healthy
foods
 for a
while
,
consequently
 their tendency for eating high-calorie
foods
 decreases.
on the other hand
, serving high-calorie
foods
 in schools has lots of negative impacts. The vast effect of it
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is the obesity problem. A huge number of diseases are caused by fatness. obese children will shape sick adults in the next decades and it will have lots of costs for the governments and the country in order to cure them.
In addition
, ill adults will suffer in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and will not have an enjoyable youth ness. They may have some serious diseases like diabetes, liver diseases
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
heart attacks or even brain strokes,
although
 they are in their twenties or thirties. In conclusion, for the rationales which I mentioned in
this
 essay, I agree with banning fast food serving in schools by the governments, in order to decrease the overweight problems in the youngsters.
Submitted by arsalan.azizzadeh on

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task response
Ensure to clearly address all parts of the task prompt and provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good. Work on improving the structure to make the essay more cohesive and connected.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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