IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Write about the following topic: Few people devote time to hobbies nowadays. Say why you think this is the case and what effect this has on the individual and society in general. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#topic #people #time #hobbies #case #effect #society
In recent days, some
people
 invest their
time
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
hobbies
. I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
 kind of
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 promote
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 significantly and it helps improve their mental and emotional
health
 in every individual, which will eventually increase the wellness of a good society.
Firstly
, a growing number of
people
 feel that extra-curricular activities are more important to keep them physically healthy and emotionally active. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cutting-edge technologies are becoming popular, it has modified the lifestyle of working
people
 around the globe
immesively
Correct your spelling
immersively
immensely
.
Consequently
, humans are accustomed to
Correct article usage
a sedamentry
show examples
sedamentry
Correct your spelling
sedentary
sedimentary
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 and work long hours in their profession to achieve their goals in a short span of
time
.
Due to
this
, there is a surge in
health
 issues recently,
such
 as depression, anxiety, mental disorder and so on.
For instance
, one of my friends, who works in
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 IT field, focus on achieving the target but fail to invest the
time
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 his own
health
caused
Wrong verb form
causing
show examples
 a major cardiac attack.
Therefore
, it is important to spend
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
hobbies
 in order to keep them healthy.
Secondly
, If
people
 spend
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
hobbies
such
 as sports, walking, jogging, and playing any outdoor
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
, they can feel soothing relaxation within themselves.
As a result
, it will help them to focus more on their work with
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
additional fresh energy.
Thus
, company productivity and revenue will gradually increase which will contribute to the GDP growth of the nation.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 small start-up company in my country
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 focused on improving their
employees
Change to a genitive case
employee's
employees'
show examples
health
 by creating
compaign
Correct your spelling
campaign
 programs and
rewarded
Wrong verb form
rewarding
show examples
 their employees with a car every fiscal year. It motivated their employees to happily focus more on their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.
Hence
, it is essential to spare
time
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hobbies
. In conclusion, I strongly believe, despite all
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 assigned to
people
, it is crucial to devote
time
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
hobbies
 as well. It will help an individual
health
 improvement
as well as
 contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
 wellness.
Thus
,
numerous
Change the article
a numerous
the numerous
show examples
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
people
 will live
long
Add an article
a long
show examples
 life with no
health
 issues,
therefore
,
nation
Add an article
a nation
the nation
show examples
 can have less contribution to medical
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
.
Submitted by kani.reethu on

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The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

  • Dear + name
  • Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

  • Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
  • Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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