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Band 5.5

Many feel that happiness is mainly an individual responsibilty while others feel that there are important external factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#happiness #responsibilty #factors
Today, it is
common
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a common
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 belief that everyone
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 responsible for
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 felicity, whilst it is sometimes seen that there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a quantity of outer vital things that affect it.
However
, should not be denied that our own happiness depends only on us.
Therefore
, I firmly support the previous notion. Both views will be discussed in the essay.
To begin
 with, many
people
 use the excuse that there are a few barriers to their fortune. Frequently, it is justified by the unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s
life
, as it is challenging.
However
, there are elements
what
Correct word choice
that
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 influence not only physically, but
also
 psychically. In their
ranks
Add a comma
,ranks
show examples
 we can include fatal diseases. In
Add an article
a case
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case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
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 like these,
vast
Correct article usage
the vast
show examples
 majority of
people
 experience unbearable pain, at the same time have a strong
mentally
Change the word
mental
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 impact, which is accompanied
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 excitement.
For instance
, researchers
in
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at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
New York university prove that 85% of
people
 who suffer from terminal illnesses are already preparing
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
death
Replace the word
die
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 on
mental
Add an article
a mental
the mental
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 level,
whereas
 only 15% strictly believed in recovery.
On the other hand
, someone who building
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
his own
her own
show examples
 fortune way is much happier.
Hence
,
as
Correct word choice
apply
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this
 person knows what he
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
 from
life
 and
understand
Correct subject-verb agreement
understands
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 that he is responsible for it.
Moreover
, in order to reach an enjoyable
life
, not
necessary
Replace the word
necessarily
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work
Fix the infinitive
to work
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 hard, as it is all of
this
 depends on positive thinking.
Furthermore
, it is believed that everyone has a choice to be unhappy or to enjoy
life
.
For instance
, a group of psychologists conducted an experiment on how
small
Correct article usage
a small
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 party of
people
 react to
an
Change the article
a
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 certain condition. They noticed that there are
people
 who found something affirmative and did not give in to stress, but
also
 there are
people
 who panicked and irritated. In conclusion, it can hardly be denied that there are
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
exist
Replace the word
existing
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 contexts
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 knocked out of a rut, but anyway everyone
fill
Change the verb form
fills
show examples
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
life
 with fortune by themselves.
Submitted by Allazhar on

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