IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people say that it is the responsibility of individuals to save money for their own care after they retire. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #responsibility #individuals #money #care
Taking
caring
Replace the word
care
show examples
 after
retirement
 is an important aspect infecting
citizens
’ well-being.
However
, some
people
 believe that
such
task
Correct article usage
a task
show examples
 really lands on individuals themselves
instead
 of offering by the
government
. In my opinion, to address
this
 issue and make it expensive but practical , both
citizens
 and
government
are requires
Change the verb form
are required
show examples
 to pitch in and take a portion respectively. Admittedly,
citizens’
Correct your spelling
citizens
show examples
 are entitled to save
money
 to look after themselves when they get retired. As
regarding
Wrong verb form
regards
show examples
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
current population
that is
 continuing to grow, the number of
people
 in
retirement
 is never reducing.
As a result
, the well-being and
care
 system has been suffering a tremendous shock ,which might lead to a terrible consequence in which funding offered by
government
 and non-profit organizations
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 used up quickly.
Therefore
, for
people
 who don’t save enough
money
 , when
government
Add an article
the government
a government
show examples
 cannot afford
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
care
 is needed, a series of problems will come up, from battling
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 issues with no
day
Correct your spelling
daycare
show examples
care
 to dealing with chores inconveniently. But if
people
 are able to pay for those services, they will gain a higher quality of well-being and enjoy their
retirement
 without worrying.
However
, that doesn’t mean
citizens
 are entitled to pay for all of the
bill
Change to a plural noun
bills
show examples
. In my opinion, when it comes to taking
care
citizens
Change preposition
of citizens
show examples
 in
retirement
, it is
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
 obligation to launch practical policies in taking
care
 of the
people
 to release individuals’ financial burden.
For example
, by assigning
retirement
 funding monthly, the basic life needs are backed up, especially for disabilities or
people
 who are too old to take
care
 of themselves, it’s definitely a validation to support themselves.
Moreover
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should find the deep reason behind the difficulties of taking
care
, one
Change preposition
of, one
show examples
 status quo is that medical
care
 is
high
Add an article
a high
the high
show examples
 cost to maintain.
Therefore
, reducing the cost of medical treatments for
people
 in
retirement
 can be super helpful, which goes beyond offering
money
.
Overall
, individuals should save
money
 to support their lives when getting retired, yet effective policies launched by governments are needed. With continued to think about
citizens’s
Remove the s
citizens’
show examples
 well-being and take practical actions, a humane society that can
benefits
Change the verb form
benefit
show examples
 both
citizens
 and governments with
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
ongoing well-being .
Submitted by noahchonge on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: