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Writing Samples
Band 7

The pie chart blow shows the average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The pie charts compare the average household spending in
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 in terms of five important categories in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 Japanese and Malaysian people spent the largest proportion of their budget on just three categories, namely food, housing and other goods and services.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the percentages of transport and health care in
Japan
Use synonyms
 were double the figures for
Malaysia
Use synonyms
. In Malaysian households, the greatest proportion of spending was on housing, which represented 34%of the total expenditure,
while
Linking Words
 in
Japan
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, the figure for
this
Linking Words
 category was just 21%. Japanese householders spent the largest amount of their income on other goods and services, at 29%.
Meanwhile
Add a comma
,Meanwhile
show examples
 the rate of spending
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 category in
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 was slightly lower, at 26%. In terms of food, the percentages of expenses for both nations were relatively similar, at 27% for
Malaysia
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 and 24% for
Japan
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. In both countries, the smallest proportion of spending was on health care. In
Malaysia
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,
this
Linking Words
 accounted for 3% of the total household expenses,
while
Linking Words
 the figure for transport represented 10%. These figures were exactly doubled in
Japan
Use synonyms
 which were 6% and 20% respectively.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words japan, malaysia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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