IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries children take up paid jobs during the summer vacation. Some people feel that this amounts to child labour. Others argue that summer jobs help children learn valuable lessons. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is asserted by few that juveniles do a part-time job in the summer break which leads to child labour but there is a strong counter-argument section of people that
while
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 doing business they learn important life lessons.
This
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 is a matter to be debated in the light of several factors which
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 be discussed in the following paragraphs
along with
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 my opinion. To commence with, there are many reasons to support the former notion.First and foremost,to support the financial position of the family.They work to help their parents because the financial condition of their home is not good.
However
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,they have to face a lot of difficulties living in the modern era.They pay their expenses on their own without taking aid from their parents.
In addition
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, they can not focus on their studies they only focus on earning money .It has a bad impact on their studies.They can not learn the important skills which are necessary and
lack
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fall
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 behind in education as compared to other children.To cite an example, juveniles prefer to do work on their vacation but they lose their focus on studies and other curriculum activities which play an important role in developing a personality. On the paradoxical side,there are certain groups of individuals who vehemently contend that doing business during the break makes the child learn essential life lessons.The most prominent is that they improve their communication skills.They get to know how to deal with the customer selling a product.
For instance
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,when they deal with a client they learn how to convince them to buy the goods and understand consumer needs
as well as
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 which helps a pupil to learn how to deal with the consumer.
Furthermore
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,gain experience from experts who
are
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have been
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 working for a long time in a particular field.If a person has the experience and knows the things regarding the business
then
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 they can do the task easily by different methods and can earn more profits.
To conclude
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, after analyzing both views,I assert that juveniles should prefer to do work in their holidays.
Moreover
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, they learn new techniques and enhance their communication skills
as well as
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 come to know many more important things.

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task achievement
Your introduction sets the context well, but it can be clearer. You mention 'several factors' but don't specify what they are. Consider previewing the main points you will discuss.
task achievement
Try to ensure that your points are more balanced. You spend a lot of time discussing how paid jobs can be detrimental but less time on the benefits.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention specific skills learned that are directly transferable to academic achievements.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph follows a clear and effective structure - topic sentence, explanation, example, and conclusion. This helps guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Your conclusion summarizes your opinions well and reaffirms your stance clearly.
task achievement
You have made an effort to present both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an introduction and conclusion, which provides a clear structure to your argument.
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