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Band 3.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
In the past,
people
 transferred
money
 by direct deposit in a
bank
, but now
people
 are transferring
money
 by smartphones to friends, family, and for businesses.In my opinion,
this
 is a positive development.
To begin
 with, I have three ideas to illustrate why
that is
 positive.
First,
internet
 banking is convenient.
The
Correct article usage
Internet
show examples
internet
 banking is so convenient that
people
 can have a better life.
For example
,when
people
 need to buy something with a lot of
money
, they do not need to go to the
bank
 to deposit
money
 because of
internet
Correct your spelling
Internet
show examples
 banking technology.
Thus
,
people
 can easily transfer
money
 wherever they are, and
due to
 the convenience, more
people
 enjoy using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
internet
 banking.
Secondly
,There was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
faster when
use
Change the verb form
using
show examples
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in the past, when
people
 want to deposit
money
 they will go to the
bank
 and
waiting
Correct article usage
the waiting
show examples
 queue
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was wasted time.
On the other hand
,
although
 everyone has a smartphone
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
they do not have a queue to
use
,
therefore
,
people
 using smartphones are faster than going to the
bank
.
Thirdly
, That was an idea that no one expected.
This
 is saving because every time you transfer
money
 to another
bank
, the
bank
 will take a small charge, but if you
use
 it more often, that will be too much
money
. In conclusion,
internet
 banking is a positive development because it is convenient, fast, and saves
money
 to make
people
use
internet
Correct your spelling
Internet
show examples
 banking more .
Thus
, smartphones can improve
people
’s lives as much as
people
 could expect.
Submitted by Tum01230 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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