IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the past,
people
Use synonyms
 transferred
money
Use synonyms
 by direct deposit in a
bank
Use synonyms
, but now
people
Use synonyms
 are transferring
money
Use synonyms
 by smartphones to friends, family, and for businesses.In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is a positive development.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, I have three ideas to illustrate why
that is
Linking Words
 positive.
First,
Linking Words
internet
Use synonyms
 banking is convenient.
The
Correct article usage
Internet
show examples
internet
Use synonyms
 banking is so convenient that
people
Use synonyms
 can have a better life.
For example
Linking Words
,when
people
Use synonyms
 need to buy something with a lot of
money
Use synonyms
, they do not need to go to the
bank
Use synonyms
 to deposit
money
Use synonyms
 because of
Use synonyms
internet
Correct your spelling
Internet
show examples
 banking technology.
Thus
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can easily transfer
money
Use synonyms
 wherever they are, and
due to
Linking Words
 the convenience, more
people
Use synonyms
 enjoy using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
internet
Use synonyms
 banking.
Secondly
Linking Words
,There was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
faster when
Use synonyms
use
Change the verb form
using
show examples
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
Linking Words
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in the past, when
people
Use synonyms
 want to deposit
money
Use synonyms
 they will go to the
bank
Use synonyms
 and
waiting
Correct article usage
the waiting
show examples
 queue
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was wasted time.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 everyone has a smartphone
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
they do not have a queue to
use
Use synonyms
,
therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 using smartphones are faster than going to the
bank
Use synonyms
.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, That was an idea that no one expected.
This
Linking Words
 is saving because every time you transfer
money
Use synonyms
 to another
bank
Use synonyms
, the
bank
Use synonyms
 will take a small charge, but if you
use
Use synonyms
 it more often, that will be too much
money
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
internet
Use synonyms
 banking is a positive development because it is convenient, fast, and saves
money
Use synonyms
 to make
people
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
internet
Correct your spelling
Internet
show examples
 banking more .
Thus
Linking Words
, smartphones can improve
people
Use synonyms
’s lives as much as
people
Use synonyms
 could expect.
Submitted by Tum01230 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: