IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or events. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #money #tickets #events #development
Since previous
milleniums
Correct your spelling
millenniums
millennium
, sporting
events
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 Olympic Games have been visited by groups of individuals spending
money
 on and having fun from
this
 type of entertainment. Some
people
 believe
such
events
 should exist in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern culture, and others tend to think that it is not worth spending much amount of
money
 on just watching the sport or
events
.
This
 essay will examine
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both views
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and express a conclusion on why it is
either
Add an article
an either
show examples
 positive or negative development.
Firstly
, it can be seen that the cost
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the tickets
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
such
events
 cannot be afforded by
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
show examples
 or even some
ordinar
Correct your spelling
ordinary
 group of
people
.
According to
this
, these
people
 think it is much better to spend that
money
 on something else,
for example
, on enhancing
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 budget, improving yourself or just shopping.
For example
,
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
last
 World Cup in Katar, the prices for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
only one ticket could provide the monthly amount of
money
 needed to live in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 particular area, and it does not include the expenditure on the flight,
accomodation
Correct your spelling
accommodation
 and everyday spending.
On the other hand
, the proponents of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
events
 hardly believe that they cannot live without
such
entartainment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
. It makes them full of energy and loaded with fun after the game.
Consequently
, it provides the
people
 who watched the game not online with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good motivation in their life in favour of staying strong and effective in their jobs.
According to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
studies in England, almost 70% of
people
 who visited
such
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 will have an extremely good mood in the next 3 days. In conclusion, taking both views into an account, there is
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
one big disadvantage of visiting sporting
events
, which is related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the viewer's budget and being wealthy.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
 that, there is not any significant negative development,
while
 the amount of entertaining and memorable emotions easily
outweights
Correct your spelling
outweighs
outweigh
 its negative side.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: