IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #individuals #internet #companies #organisations #outweigh
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It is common for companies to ask for staff or customers' personal
information
such
 as passport ID, driving licence and bank details and save it on their cloud data or on the system.
Therefore
, the question arises whether our personal
information
 is safe. I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the cons outweigh the pros,
hence
 in
this
 essay we will discuss these and
thus
, come up with a reasoned conclusion.
Firstly
, we look at some of the advantages of providing private details. It is convenient to have your
information
 stored in the system for future reference because it is a hassle to carry a hard copy of your passport or date of birth with us all the time.
Moreover
, there is a risk of losing the hard copy as well,
as a result
, it is beneficial to have them stored and available whenever it is needed.
For example
, whenever I go to my internet provider or have work-related problems with the organisation, it is easy to have our
information
 ready when they search by our name on the system.
Hence
, people find it convenient to have them stored and ready to use.
On the other hand
,
due to
 the cybercrime growing each day, our detail is at constant risk.
Although
, companies assure us of the strong firewall and safety they maintain for the details, there is no security
that is
 100% secure. Each day we hear news of identity theft and people's personal data has been compromised.
For instance
, many of us get spam emails, and messages on phones from an unknown source advertising it. Hackers get our
information
 from the data pool and spam us with it nonstop.
Therefore
, the negative aspect of personal
detail
Fix the agreement mistake
details
show examples
 online can not be ignored. In conclusion, I vehemently believe that the negative side surpasses the positive side.
Submitted by den_wei20 on

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Task Response
The essay provides a partial response to the task by exploring advantages and disadvantages, but lacks depth and balance in discussing the issue.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The supporting ideas are loosely connected, and there is room for improvement in the organization and linking of ideas.
Lexical Resource
The lexical resource used in the essay is adequate, but there is a need for more varied vocabulary and better word choice to enhance the expression of ideas.
Grammatical Range
There are noticeable and recurring grammatical errors throughout the essay. A wider range of sentence structures and more accurate use of grammar is required.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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