IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
#graphs #show #numbers #workers #employment #sectors #republic #freedonia
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The diagrams compare the male and female employment status in six different
job
sectors
 in two different years – 1975 and 1995. As is seen from the given illustration, men were well ahead of women in all the
job
sectors
 in Freedonia in 1975.
However
, the scenario changed in 1995 and
Correct article usage
the women
show examples
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 employment scenario showed
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
remarkable progress.
According to
 the charts, men in Freedonia were visibly ahead of females in manufacturing, finance/banking, wholesale & retail trade, defence and non-defence
sectors
. In manufacturing, more than 600 male
employees
 could be seen against only 300 female
employees
 out of a thousand
employees
. Except in the communication
sector
, the proportion of male
employees
 was far greater than that of females. Among the given
job
sectors
, the public /non-defence
sector
 had the highest number of
employees
while
 the defence
sector
 had the least ratio of
employees
. After 20 years, women showed an outstanding advancement in these
job
sectors
 and they went well ahead of men in
communication
Correct article usage
the communication
show examples
, wholesale & retail trade
sectors
. They become almost equal in number in finance and banking jobs
while
 the gap between male and female
employees’
Change noun form
employees
show examples
 number reduced in defence jobs. The only
sector
 still dominated by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
male was manufacturing and the
job
 ratio in
this
sector
 remained almost the same as it was 20 years earlier.
Submitted by Murod / Maksud on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words job, sectors, employees, sector with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: