IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some opine that the proliferation of sugary drinks are appearing recently. This essay will analyze both reasons and provide solutions to this problem

There are several reasons why people require more sugary
drinks
Use synonyms
. In terms of
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
, the highly competitive circumstances in working hours keep on inspiring workers to continue contributing
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the company, so employees' consumption
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 surgery
drinks
Use synonyms
 to acquire energy is constantly increasing over the period.
For example
Linking Words
, Masan consumer company produce
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
energy called 247, which
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 the workers
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
surplus
amount
Use synonyms
 of energy to work overtime, causing employees to consume the product daily.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
addiction
Correct your spelling
addition
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 sugar-based products may
result
Add the preposition
inresult
fromresult
show examples
 other individuals
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
mass
Add an article
the mass
a mass
show examples
Use synonyms
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of soft
drinks
Use synonyms
, causing people to become
reliable
Replace the word
reliant
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the sugar product. There are a number of viable solutions to help tackle
this
Linking Words
proble
Correct your spelling
problem
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should set out campaigns to raise people’s awareness of obtaining
large
Change the article
a large
show examples
Use synonyms
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of surgery products, because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 effects that could result
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 various health
isses
Correct your spelling
issues
. Having large
companies
Use synonyms
 and researchers
providing
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 the possible causes to individuals,
for example
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 action would elevate social consciousness toward the problems of
obtain
Change the verb form
obtaining
show examples
 sugary
drinks
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, governments should increase taxes for
companies
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 produce sugar-based
drinks
Use synonyms
, which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
companies
Use synonyms
 to rise the price of the products, resulting
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 consumption of sugary
drinks
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
significantly
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
. In conclusion, In conclusion, there are main contributors to the problems
such
Linking Words
 as employees who
requires
Change the verb form
require
show examples
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
energies
Fix the agreement mistake
energy
show examples
 and the addiction
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 surgery
drinks
Use synonyms
,
leads
Correct pronoun usage
which leads
show examples
 to
Correct article usage
a rise
show examples
rise
Change the verb form
rising
show examples
 the expending
amount
Use synonyms
;
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
this
Linking Words
 may
be prevail
Change the verb form
be prevailed
show examples
 by the government should announce the consequences of
this
Linking Words
 problem to raise realization among individuals and increase tax to
companies
Use synonyms
 producing sugar-based
drinks
Use synonyms

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: