IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that Young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
Juvenile crimes are increasing day by day in every
nations
Change to a singular noun
nation
show examples
. Some assume that both adults and teenagers need to be equally punished
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
when they
comitt
Correct your spelling
commit
 a crime in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society .
However
, I strongly oppose
this
 notion and the reasons for
this
 will be provided in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, they are not even mature enough to recognise the right and wrong side of
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 action that they did in their
life
. To elaborate,
Add an article
the teenager
a teenager
show examples
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
show examples
 is a period of time ,
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 individuals become impulsive and less concerned about their
life
 , and they even
comitt
Correct your spelling
commit
 illegal activities because of pressure from their peers or the harsh situations they were on that time.
Therefore
, sentencing them
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 places
such
 as rehabilitation
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
show examples
 or juvenile schools can be a better
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
punishment for them because in
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 they can study
as well as
 know different values in their
life
 , and
as a result
, they can know
their
Change the pronoun
the
show examples
 mistakes they
comitt
Correct your spelling
commit
committed
 and be assured that they do not do the same mistakes in their
life
.
In addition
, adult prisons can turn a child's
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mind even more
burtial
Correct your spelling
brutal
burial
. It is obvious that adolescent prisons
contains
Change the verb form
contain
show examples
so many harsh environments where they can confront torture from cell mates or become mentally depressed by at atmosphere , where they were in . Thereby , it can affect the
teens
Change to a genitive case
teen's
teens'
show examples
behaviour
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and their thoughts towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society .
Consequently
, it can make them even more dangerous to communities and become
a wanted criminals
Correct the article-noun agreement
a wanted criminal
wanted criminals
show examples
 in the country.
To conclude
, sentencing children as that
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
adults when they
comitt
Correct your spelling
commit
 a crime in
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
 can not be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
appropriate manner because they lack maturity
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 that age and prisoning with serious criminals can
also
 affect their mental health too.
Submitted by varshajose345 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: