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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below gives information about the household percentage of spending on essential goods in China for the years 1995 and 2011

The chart below gives information about the household percentage of spending on essential goods in China for the years 1995 and 2011
The given pie charts give information on the proportion of household budget spent on 4 kinds of products in China
from
Change preposition
between
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 1995 and 2011.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
Chinese
Correct article usage
the Chinese
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 spent the largest amount of their money on buying
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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 throughout the period followed by clothing despite a slight decrease. The
hirachy
Correct your spelling
hierarchy
 of
4
Correct article usage
the 4
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categories did not
changed
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change
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 even if the spending
from
Change preposition
on
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medicine
Use synonyms
 substantially increased.
According to
Linking Words
 the charts, the
figure
Use synonyms
 for food accounted for the largest size over half of the entire proportion at 68% and 59% respectively between 1995 and 2011
while
Linking Words
 it slightly decreased by 9%. The percentage of
budget
Add an article
the budget
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 for clothing showed a
silmilar
Correct your spelling
similar
 trend with that for food, which made up the second largest slice at 19% and 18% respectively in 1995 and 2011. Looking at the charts more closely, the
figure
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 for
house hold
Correct your spelling
household
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 goods and
medicine
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 was negligible at 9% and 4% in 1995.
However
Linking Words
, both
Use synonyms
figure
Change to a plural noun
figures
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 went up by 3% to 12% for household goods and by 7% to 11% for
medicine
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. Especially, the
figure
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 for
medicine
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 in 2011 was nearly three times
a
Correct your spelling
as
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 large as that in 1995 despite not exceeding larger categories, food and clothing.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words medicine, figure with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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